


like a heartbeat drives you mad

by sweetheartbitterheart



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 01:45:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2795255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetheartbitterheart/pseuds/sweetheartbitterheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He understands why some people don't think he loved her, but how could he live with someone for years and not feel something? Even now, he dreams about her sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	like a heartbeat drives you mad

**Author's Note:**

> I might be the only person who ships Beth/Paul. It's the only time I find myself really liking Paul, when I think about him caring for Beth. This is just a little ficlet. Title from Fleetwood Mac's 'Dreams'.

He dreams about her sometimes. It was always painful and always filled with guilt. It wasn't the same thing as seeing her face on someone else's body, like Sarah or Rachel, because he knew they weren't her. But in dreams he was never sure, until she gave him a look or said something only Beth would do, and he felt like crumbling.

He knows Sarah thinks he didn't care for her, didn't love her ( _he didn't know what love was, the only people he ever loved were his parents_ ) but you couldn't live with someone for years and not feel _something_. He didn't deserve to feel mourn her or miss her, even if he desperately did.

She was dead, partly because of him, but she was still with him. Ingrained like a parasite under his skin, itching to be let out. Sometimes in situations he caught himself wanting to say something she would, or remembering something she did and wanting to relay the information. It was wrong because he didn't have the right.

In dreams, he can briefly forget what happened, but there's this look of hers that makes him feel like he took a punch to the gut. She gets close to him like they'll kiss but her lips only form words he regularly torments himself with.

'Why didn't you love me?'

'How could you do this to me?'

'Why didn't tell me the truth?'

'Why did keep this going on so long?'

The only words he can muster are 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. He reaches for her but she's already gone.

He wakes up alone. His heartbeat racing and his head aching. He knows he deserves this.


End file.
